If you’re currently in a relationship with a narcissist, your mind is most likely in a fog and you may note be able to come to terms with these truths about how you’re being treated and the things your narcissistic boyfriend doesn’t want you to know. In fact, I escaped my narcissistic abusive relationship four months ago, and my brain is still in a bit of a fog. But since I’m so far removed from the abuse, I’ve been able to start processing the abuse and started to discover things I wish I had realized while I was in the middle of the abuse.
Below are 4 things narcissists don’t want you to know (I could make a list of 2,000 things, but we’ll stick to 4 for now). These are based on my personal experiences, but I’m sure if you’re a survivor, you can relate to some of these, if not all.
- You’re not the crazy one, he is. And he loves the drama
Think back to before you were in a relationship with the narcissist. If you’re lucky, you can remember some traits about yourself. You were probably a fun, loving, caring person with a lot of confidence. But now, you feel like you’re going crazy and can’t figure out why. No one has ever called you crazy or dramatic before either, except for your narcissistic boyfriend. The thing is, he essentially has stolen your brain and rewired it to make you think you’re crazy and dramatic. Remember that fight you had last week that you know you definitely didn’t start, but he blamed you for it, and you apologized profusely, but probably didn’t even know why you were apologizing? He’s projecting it onto you because he feeds off of the drama and then makes you feel like you’re going crazy so you begin to doubt your own self and only trust him. Are you reading this thinking that you probably were the cause of the fight, you just don’t know what you did? Well, you didn’t cause it, but he’s certainly making you think you did and playing the victim at the same time. That’s a form of control and emotional abuse.
2. They lack confidence, so they have to manipulate and control you to get you to stay
I never realized this until after I removed myself from the abuse. Narcissists are generally outgoing, fun, and well liked people. You’d think they have all the confidence in the world based on how they act with the outside world. The thing is, they don’t. Did you ever notice how they can “dish it” but can’t “take it?” There’s a reason for that. It’s because they know they’re inferior. They also can’t handle anyone praising you or any of your successes. If you bring anything up, such as a promotion at work or an award, they start to feel threatened, as if they’re going to lose control over you, so they put a screeching halt to your positive feelings as quickly as possible. Plus, they can’t have you stealing the show from them. They condition you to associate your successes, talents, and positive life events with fear by reprimanding you and abusing you if you bring it up. This leads to you feeling anxious and depressed and conditions you to keep quiet about anything positive related to yourself. The truth is, they’re not undercutting you because they truly believe you’re inferior, they’re doing it because your successes and confidence threatens the control they have over you.
One time I was at a bar with my ex-narcissistic boyfriend. We frequented this bar a lot and knew the bartender. The bartender was young, around my age (there’s a 10 year age gap between myself and my ex, which bothered him a lot). One night the bartender turned to my ex and told him he was so lucky to have such a beautiful woman and asked him what his secret was. My ex became very uncomfortable and gave a half fake smile and changed the subject. After we left the bar I asked him why he ignored what the bartender said about me being beautiful. His response? “I didn’t want the fact that he was calling you beautiful going to your head.” And he was dead serious. That was the last time we visited that bar, too. He refused to go back.
3. They project psychological blame onto you
This goes back to the crazy making point I talked about earlier. Being in a relationship with a narcissist isn’t only damaging, it’s dangerous. They are full of false accusations and criticisms. Then, they project the blame onto you by claiming YOU are doing exactly what they’re doing. Remember how I mentioned earlier apologizing for fights you’re not responsible for? They manipulate you to apologize for THEIR actions. Did they just start a huge blowout fight with you? Well, they’re about to blame you for starting that fight and being overly dramatic and too sensitive. Did they just lie to you? Guess what? You’re about to be called a liar. The best part? You can’t call them out or disagree with them, or they play victim and accuse YOU of being the abuser. They can say whatever they want or blame you for things THEY’RE guilty of, but if you dare call them out then be ready for the narcissistic rage that follows. You can only compliment them and take the blame when things take a turn for the worse, otherwise forget it. Still feeling like you’re the crazy one? Well, you’re not.
Here’s some advice if you’re in this situation right now: DO NOT try to reason with them and explain your feelings or how they’re wrong. It only makes matters worse. They DO NOT care about your feelings, as they completely lack empathy. Narcissists don’t play fair. They’re always moving the goal posts, as things always have to go their way. And things will always go their way because they have so much control over you and have manipulated you into making things always go their way.
4. Narcissists are NEVER wrong, therefore they will never take responsibility for their own, terrible behavior
I’ll start this off with a personal example (I have so many to choose from). One night my ex-boyfriend physically assaulted me. My forearm was bruised because he grabbed me so hard before shoving me down. Then he called the police on me because he wanted me to drive home over 40 minutes, intoxicated. He called and said I was trespassing. The police showed up, and long story short, arrested him for domestic violence; simple assault; physical contact. I didn’t mean for him to get arrested, but I was honest with the three responding officers as to what happened because I just wanted them to leave. I BEGGED them not to arrest him over and over, but they told me it wasn’t my choice.
According to the three policemen, my ex wasn’t allowed to use unwanted physical force against me. At the time, I thought the police were crazy because I was so used to the physical abuse, and I was afraid of retaliation because in my mind, my actions caused my ex to get arrested. Now, re-read that. I just said, “My actions caused my ex to get arrested.” First of all, HIS actions caused this. Not only did he physically assault me, he then involved law enforcement and tried to play victim. After he bailed out of jail, he demanded an apology from me because now he “now had a record” (which come to find out, he already had one with several RECENT charges that I wasn’t aware of) and he also “had attorney fees.” He also blamed me because he wouldn’t be able to coach his kid’s soccer team or volunteer at the school with this domestic violence charge. HOW DARE I get him arrested? He blamed me for the events that took place that evening and told me I should have known to “lie to the cops.”
Here’s the thing: He was physically abusive with me so many times and I NEVER called the police once. Looking back, he knew his plan backfired that night since he was the one walking out in handcuffs, not me, so it was “my fault” things didn’t go as planned. You see, in his eyes he wasn’t wrong and it was MY fault he got arrested. He refused to take the blame for the events that took place that evening and projected the blame onto me. And for months I thought his arrest was my own fault. Funny thing is, the night of his arrest I told one of the officers I wish I didn’t cause this and he looked at me and said, “You didn’t cause this. He shouldn’t have put you in this situation in the first place.”
There are so many more things I’d like to add to this list, so please check back for a follow up post. I’m just getting started.
What else would you add? Let me know in the comments.